Between Inspired Writing and Hard Work

I’m nat­u­ral­ly lazy. I admit it and I’m not ashamed of it. I can get shit done when I need to, but I won’t be busy with it until, well, the need aris­es. Or inspi­ra­tion. So I have to admit that doing 70k words with­out inspi­ra­tion is a fuck­ing chore. There’s no fun in it, even if there was a spark of bril­liance here and there. The book in pro­gress — Rjg — is good. Bet­ter than any­thing I’ve done before. It is full of won­der­ful char­ac­ters, with vibrant set­ting and twist­ed plot. Yet when writ­ing becomes a chore it is not some­thing I’m thrilled to do, so I had to stop. For a mon­th, for two months, and look back at where did I go wrong. Why some­thing I loved so much became a liv­ing hell. It’s not my first book by all means. I’ve suc­cess­ful­ly fin­ished projects before. I’m not burned out, am I? No, not real­ly. Depres­sion is some­thing I’ve lived and worked with before, and I was doing well enough. But it’s not just the book. I can no longer pro­duce even my world­build­ing arti­cles, which I had been cre­at­ing for fun.

There’s some­thing I for­got the mean­ing of: inspired writ­ing. Now it feels like walk­ing into an emp­ty room and par­ty­ing alone. There is some­thing in my brain that is not right. It doesn’t tick. And I’m well aware of it. And from cre­ative stand­point it is ter­ri­fy­ing. Because in all hon­esty I don’t know how to fix it. Excite­ment doesn’t spark even when I’m read­ing, read­ing things I would nor­mal­ly love, be enter­tained with. 

Nope.

Silence.

The world is still col­or­ful. It is full of mean­ing. Noth­ing is dif­fer­ent out­side. But it is no longer inspir­ing.

It is depres­sion. Some­how it got worse.

I will prob­a­bly con­tin­ue to write things, through hard work alone. But I don’t know what will come out of this empti­ness. May­be I could use it to cre­ate some­how. That’s the only thing I can think of right now.

Jeno Marz
JENO MARZ is a science fiction writer from Latvia, Northern Europe, with background in electronics engineering and computer science. She is the author of two serial novels, Falaha’s Journey: A Spacegirl’s Account in Three Movements and Falaha’s Journey into Pleasure. Marz is current at work on a new SF trilogy. All her fiction is aimed at an adult audience.

2 Comments

  1. The feel­ing of being drained of inspi­ra­tion van­ish­es into thin air when you least expect it.
    ‘Force’-writing seems like a harsh mea­sure. I’ll be keep­ing my fin­gers crossed that your inspi­ra­tion and fun of writ­ing are restored soon.

    1. Thanks, Karen.
      I’m not exact­ly forc­ing myself to write. It’s more like keep­ing my fin­gers on the key­board thing. I still love writ­ing, but I don’t find excite­ment in what I do–whatever that might be. I want my “fun hard work” back. I real­ly do.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: